Reprinted with author’s permission
Temecula, California
In 1985, I ran into a brick wall with my life. I needed thousands of dollars to start a publishing company and bail myself and my family out of debt. Credit cards and financial sources were tapped out. There was no one to turn to, not one drop of hope left in my tank. I was finished.
The one untouched asset that I had was a $125,000 life insurance policy. My solution seemed obvious – suicide. As for killing myself, this was not a moral dilemma to me because I was an agnostic. No God – no problems with eternal judgment, right? So, suicide just seemed to be the right business decision to make for my family and me.
My plan was not complicated. I would enjoy one last weekend with my wife and two children; and then, commit suicide via an auto accident on the following Monday evening.
So, on May 20, 1985, I finished up a few loose ends in the morning and early afternoon. Then, for some reason, I stopped at an insurance agent’s office. Though Bill and I knew each other from our children’s athletic interests, we were not intimate friends and had never really talked with each other. But this visit was a divine appointment.
Bill invited me into his office. We chatted about the Chicago Cubs and our children’s sports careers. Then in the midst of our conversation, he looked at me and said, “You are thinking about committing suicide, aren’t you?”
His words hit me like a sledgehammer. How did he know? I told no one. It was my secret $125,000 payday. I was speechless. As I sat there, a vision played across my mind of my car ramming into a bridge viaduct and killing me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I tried to regain my composure, but I could not. ”How did you know?” I asked.
“Oh,” Bill said, “the Lord told me while we were talking to each other.”
His words shattered my unbelief. God was alive and cared about me. Bill and I continued talking for a time. Then, he gave me a book entitled Power in Praise by Merlin Carothers and suggested that I read it.
When I arrived home, I began reading the book. After a few pages, I walked into the bathroom, closed the door and knelt in front of the sink. Looking into the mirror, I prayed, “Jesus, I’ve tried everything else in my life, and they haven’t worked. I guess I’ll give You a try!”
Instantly, I was changed. No longer were fear and shame my comrades, but joy and hope filled my heart. Bowing and worshipping my new King, I prayed almost verbatim the poem, Footprints in the Sand, as a promise that I would never let go of Jesus. Never.
For the following two weeks, the Lord performed one miracle after another in my life. Investors appeared with $50,000 for the publishing company. The stockholders elected me the president. A new car was purchased. Our mortgage payments were paid up to date. When God arrived on the scene, things happened quickly.
If my story were a fictional Hollywood movie, perhaps it would resemble “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Jimmy Stewart could play me; Donna Reed could be my wife; the angel would get his wings; and everyone would live happily ever after. The end.
Sadly, my life has not been a work of fiction. It has been a day-by-day journey, filled with some good experiences and many mistakes, false starts and failures. I have trudged through a marital separation, divorce, loss of friends, numerous firings from sales positions and countless low-paying, dead-end jobs. Poverty, rejection and loneliness have filled most of my twenty-three years of walking with the Lord.
And yet, it has been in the valleys of despair where the Lord has truly revealed Himself to me. He became my loving Father. I learned to trust Him. I learned that His grace was sufficient. And I learned that God is a good God.
